Article: SM & Me   Previously published in Domina Magazine Issue 6 (1997) as ‘My life as a female submissive – Some personal reflections’     Sado-masochism is in my blood.       While some people may discover the more unusual sexual practices relatively late into adulthood as a result of a desire for more variety and experimentation, and perhaps the generally more liberated outlook that comes with maturity, others have the feeling that their interest has always been with them; that it comes from within.  I’m definitely in that later category.       Somewhere along the line, as you grow up, you realise that certain things affect you in a special way.  Even before you have a proper awareness of sex and, in my case, definitely well before I’d ever had an orgasm, you find that particular images or ideas leave you with a slightly uncomfortable, yet strangely excited feeling.  It’s only later that you look back and realise it was because those images were related to the things you now find so arousing.       In my case it was scenes of chastisement, slavery or humiliation in films and books; like galley slaves in chains being whipped to row faster, or the custom of some primitive tribe where all the women lie down in a row, by way of a greeting, in order for male strangers to walk over them.  Also, I was affected by – dare I admit it? – the straps and whips and enforced exertions of Black Beauty, which led to my interest in “pony girls” – a not uncommon branch of SM.       So, in the secret recesses of your mind, your fantasies develop and evolve, and a life-long interest is established.  Nobody taught me or showed me or even suggested to me anything to do with SM.  I just “knew” that my sexuality revolved around male dominance of the female, and had no doubt about the fact that I identified with the sub role.  It wasn’t til I discovered Forum magazine in my early twenties that I realised my tendencies weren’t unique – that other people were turned on by the same sorts of things.  That, in fact, the power games and ritualised submission of one person to another, combined with “punishment”, bondage and fetish clothing, represent just about the biggest “alternative” sexual interest around.       In talking about my sexuality and submissiveness, I would have to distinguish between fantasy and reality.  Of course, there are areas of overlap, but in general there’s a big difference between the sorts of rather bizarre, “heavy” fantasies that go on in my head when I’m aroused and which help me to come, and the kinds of things I have actually done physically myself, or would like to do, in real life.  Let’s deal with real life first.       I can’t remember any one early experience that was a groundbreaking “first time”, or that “showed me the way” as far as SM is concerned.  I was keen to experiment with sex, and seemed naturally to have a very liberated attitude.  Most of my early experiences were driven by a more mainstream enjoyment of being with men, and lust for different partners.  The other half of my sexuality, which is still very much a driving force in my life, is the idea of being very loose and available and, in particular, of being shared by more than one guy at a time.  So the high points I remember most are some of those exquisite early threesomes I had, and all those absolutely gorgeous men – particularly foreign men – who picked me up on my travels and enriched my life with their brief attentions.       Basically, I discovered in the course of my various encounters with different men the sorts of things I physically enjoyed and then made a point of encouraging and asking for those things whenever possible.       And, yes, I liked to be fucked really rough; thrown to the ground and pushed and yanked about.  I like men to take what they want and to be demanding.  I like to be forced onto my knees and told to suck cock.  I like to be given specific instructions; told to wank, to turn over into a particular position or ordered to say something crude and inviting.       I like to be spanked, and that’s something you can ask virtually anyone to do, regardless of whether they’re into the scene or not.  I often suggest it when I’m with a group of guys, and there’s always at least one who will happily oblige and seem to know what he’s doing!       With several guys, you can also achieve some impromptu “bondage”, by having someone hold your arms and legs down, or up out of the way, while someone else has a go at your pussy or mouth.  I do love to be held down!  A wonderful memory springs to mind of being with these two rather nice guys some years ago, in what developed into, if not strictly an SM session, an episode of serious male dominance.  One of them straddling me across the chest – kneeling on my arms to keep them out of the way while the other took his belt off and began to pay some rather painful attention to my exposed thighs and pussy.  Oh, yes!       I also can’t say that I ever met any one, special man who was my “perfect” master – and I haven’t to this day.  Though it’s a significant part in it, SM hasn’t become my whole life, as it does with some people.  Maybe if somebody had come across me at the right time and known what to do with my potentially huge submissiveness, things would’ve been different, but I’ve often thought that I couldn’t really cope with a full time master/slave relationship.  I’m too independent, and there are too many other things in life I want to enjoy.       What I have done is seek out people who are keen to play the role of master with me.  It doesn’t matter to me too much who the man I’m submitting to is – it’s what he does that matters.  It’s whether he understands how I want to be touched and spoken to, and whether I can achieve with him that wonderful, strict but playful rapport which makes SM sessions so fulfilling.       It takes a little effort to find people on the same wavelength, and even at an early stage I was placing adverts, which is by far the simplest and most direct way to trawl society for those with a common interest.       This has undoubtedly yielded some of the most interesting men and most “formal”, stylised SM sessions I’ve ever had.  The trouble is that adverts also result, not so much in bad experiences, but in disappointing ones, and in some awkward and infuriating conversations with all sorts of people.       There are obviously lots of different interpretations of SM.  Some guys think being sub just means being passive – a doormat – and don’t have any idea about creative play, and things like “limits” and mutual respect. Others have an “all or nothing” attitude.  I’ve even come across one or two who have refused to meet me and accused me of not really being submissive because I’ve indicated that there are some things I don’t want to do (ie play with their girlfriends).  There’s also a lot of cases of dominance getting muddled up with arrogance – men who brag about all the things they’ve done.  They come across as so sure of themselves and pushy, that they put you off immediately.  And it seems that some people get off on power in a more unpleasant way – by deliberately messing you around, getting you to trust them, then walking out on you with a nasty comment, or pestering you with phone calls that intrude into other parts of your life.       In general, however, I’ve met many dom men who do and say all the right things and are totally and utterly responsible and trustworthy.  A girl just needs to hear a little reassurance about personal safety, and that nothing will happen that she doesn’t want to happen.       I’ve had some wonderful masters!  Men at whose feet you can’t wait to throw yourself.  Men whose leather or rubber clad bodies you long to worship – whose delicious crotches you could rub your face against for hours.  Men whose hands are as skilful with the ropes and straps they tie you comfortably up in, as with the gentle manipulation of your pussy.  Men who bestow sweet kisses when they pause from whipping you.  Men who pull on your hair, whisper warnings in your ear, and pull your tits till they’re sore.  Men who push you to the ground with a foot on the back of your neck, and thrust huge dildos up your holes and cane you til you weep – but who are always concerned for your comfort and safety.  Men you can absolutely trust not to abuse the power you have temporarily given them.       Men like the one I happen to have spent three hours with last night – a glorious hunk in layers of rubber, pressing me up against the wall of his little secret dungeon, and driving me into an utterly escapist “high” with his endless spanking and bondage and fucking!       I’ve also taught a few guys how to be more masterful – experimented with them, encouraging them to take the lead, and to say and do certain things.  If it’s not in your blood, it does take a little learning, and it’s been great to watch people get more confident and start improvising on their own.       And recently, I’ve been going to fetish clubs, where I virtually always get one guy or other – usually more than one – to play with me for a while.  Largely because of this, I’ve probably had more spankings and whippings over the last two or three years than ever before.       I do find myself playing the dominant role occasionally, but it doesn’t really do anything for me – not in the deep emotional sense.  The major plus point is that you get lots of licking, and are in the position to issue instructions as to exactly how you like it!       So much for the joys and emotions of being submissive and playing sex games in the real world.  I wouldn’t be without it, and I’ve no intention of calling a halt to my activities yet.  There are still lots of limits to be explored and men to look up at and swoon over!       But what about those heavy fantasies?  I’m sure they’re not unique, because I’ve read plenty of “literature” over the years that’s along very very similar lines, but how they are compared to the norm – especially where women are concerned – is difficult to tell.  Who knows what’s going on in people’s heads as they wank or fuck their way to orgasm?       Anyway, here’s an idea of what goes on in mine.       Bondage, and “women as objects”, is one of the main themes.  Women tied up in awkward positions and serving as pieces of furniture, for example.  The woman that forms a chair, or footstool, or supports a coffee table on her back.  Women as ornaments – standing like statutes in recesses, immersed in the centre of a fountain in the garden, performing the function of a plant holder or a lamp-stand, or draped across the middle of a table as an amusing centrepiece.       Strict and extreme bondage; tight rubber suits and restrictive body harnesses.  Hobbles, handcuffs and tight corsets.  Gags, blindfolds and collars that keep the head pushed back.  Enforced physical activity, especially in bondage (hence pony- girls) and – I can’t miss it out – whipping.  Prolonged, frequent and heavy chastisement, particularly on the back and ass, tits and cunt.       The idea of a whole society where women submit to men, where everything is geared up to men’s pleasure, and where the women are perfectly happy to be of service.  The details of the sorts of extreme and humiliating things women are expected to do, and the contrast between their suffering and the men’s life of luxury.  And, of course, the sexual use of women by men – lots of them at a time – and in all manner of outrageous and demanding circumstances.       I trust you’ll understand that this sort of bizarre imagery doesn’t condone or have anything to do with suffering and violence in the real world.       Well, there’s lots more where that came from.  My imagination runs riot when it comes to sexual fantasy, but I’d better stop before I get carried away.       I think SM is a very complex and fascinating part of the human experience and could do with being demystified in the eyes of the general public.       I only know that it’s not doing me any harm, and I’m happy with it.       I was born to worship cock!

                          A Sexual Autobiography