See also   

NEW SEX TOYS I must admit these ‘rabbit’ things really work.  Bought myself two new sex toys, something I’ve been meaning to do for a while.  How times have changed - I used to go in the back door of a sex shop in central London for my vibrators, or have to order and get one delivered through the post.  Now you go into a high street store where there are little vibrators littered around the till, and the assistant asks you whether you’d like to buy some hygienic wipes for your new purchases, to clean them between uses! It’s nice that someone somewhere must really be understanding how the female orgasm works, because there are improvements in the design.  I bought ‘The Rechargeable One’ (seemed like a good idea, considering the amount I’ve spent on batteries in the past), and I notice that unlike my previous ‘rabbit’, you can now separately control the vibration in the outside bit compared to the inside bit.  So I’m not the only woman who doesn’t really like/need the dildo bit to vibrate.  I do like the movement of the dildo though - someone introduced me to that idea in my early years of experimentation and now technology has caught up. Considering the cost (my two new toys cost me a total of £125!!) I was thinking that they’d better get me off, or else one big waste of money.  But they do.  Have been using the rabbit and really thinking of it as an orgasm machine.  Also like that it’s just a smooth shape, rather than being unnecessarily sculpted in detail like a cock.  The only thing they have still not got right is to put little ridges in it.  These do NOTHING except trap juices/cream and make the thing more awkward to clean afterwards. The other toy is a giant ‘Wand’ which is mains operated and really powerful.  I came across one of these once when a guy used one on me, and always wanted to find one myself, so snapped it up.  It also does the trick, but a bit difficult if you also want something up you, and also best used by someone else, otherwise the angles aren’t quite right.  So I’m on the lookout for someone who might fancy playing with it with me! All they have to do now is develop the perfect pussy licking machine - whoever cracks that will make zillions!  But how?  Believe me I’ve given it some thought.  It needs to be: soft, wet and warm.  And to get the movements just right.  Never mind, will just have to stick to the real thing! ___________________________________________________________________ NEW ZEALAND HUNK Sometimes you strike lucky! Popped in to the sauna the other day for a swim (okay, maybe for a fuck as well), and within 5 minutes got chatted up by this most absolutely, intimidatingly, gorgeous guy!  Not just the most attractive guy I have ever seen in there, but the most attractive guy I have ever seen, full stop!  Just a complete ten out of ten, a very hunky guy from New Zealand, tall with broad shoulders and square jaw and hairy chest – and lovely cock, and lovely shaved balls.  Also very friendly and open, really made an impression on me that he was so kind, and what was so obviously a one-off, casual hook up (he said he was only in the country for ten days so I know I’ll never see him again) passed off in such a friendly and mutual manner. I hardly dared speak, never mind flirt, with him at first, because he just seemed way out of my league.   I guess you can never tell who’s going to fancy you.  We swam naked in the pool together and he chatted, then we sat in a hot tub, and I dared to hope when I saw his erection and he gently and politely let me know that yes indeed, he was interested. I really tried to relax and enjoy the moment, living in the now and making the most of having such a lovely looking hunk of a man on top of me.  He was like masculinity personified, the straightforward way he fucked, and the straightforward way he came – head thrown back.  Oh and before that I spent some time licking his balls, which were extremely lickable (I do like nice clean tight shaved balls to play with), and we kissed loads, and he wrapped his arms around me while we were standing up, in such a lovely way, I was immediately in a swoon.  So chuffed that I can get a wonderful man like that kissing and fucking me so nicely. Well okay, he didn’t tick all the boxes, in that he didn’t bother to try and make me come – licked me briefly for a few moments but didn’t keep at it – but then the majority of men don’t, so I reckon you take what you can get and I wasn’t going to be demanding.  We parted amicably and I had a nice easy wank on my own afterwards, so wasn’t too unhappy.  Then a while later (I didn’t stay long) I was having a shower and about to leave, when he came up to me again, and persuaded me to get private with him again.  This time he fucked me from the back, hands on my arse/waist the way I like – yes I was happy to make myself available to a guy like that.  It shouldn’t be like that, I know, but his attractiveness made me feel good.  And then I saw him again right by the door while I was drying my hair, and he put his arm around me and kissed me and said thank you and goodbye – not many guys bother to do that on the casual scene, so I was grateful to him.  A lovely hunky guy – a good fuck and a gentleman as well. Maybe I should head for New Zealand and find a few more like him! ________________________________________________________________________ SHARING A FANTASY I love it when men who have shared me say ‘I wanted to have you all to myself tonight’. This one guy I’ve been seeing - been with him several times including several threesomes and sauna visits - is turning out to be really brilliant.  I just like his attitude and we get on well; we’re on a wavelength sexually.  He’s a bit dom and a strong character, so when we’re in a group situation he’s the perfect guy to look after me, sort of ‘no nonsense’ about other men’s attitude - he’ll chuck them out if they’re not behaving! He gives brilliant top notch oral, and always twice, without fail.  A genuine enthusiast, so you can relax and know the guy’s down there cos he really wants to be. So got my two lickings last night as usual plus lots of nice comfortable fucking - we both came twice.  Also some spanking and he held me down nicely - a firm hand on the back of my head whilst spanking, and a strong hand on my wrists, above my head, whilst fucking.  What can I say?  I like dom men. And I particularly liked sharing a fantasy while he licked me - speaking it out loud, right to the point of coming.  This only works when you have a shared sexual interest, and there’s no doubt this guy shares my extreme gang bang fantasies.  He says that next time he’s taking me to a club so we can start to make them come true! ________________________________________________________________________ TRANSFORMATION Last night I had a strange experience – unexpectedly witnessed a guy who I’d seen only as nice and kind and friendly (and fantastic at oral) turn into someone completely different.  Not in a bad way! We’d fucked and he’d licked me, and I was kneeling on the floor by the bed with him holding me from behind, and suddenly he began to spank me in a very confident and practised way – and we were suddenly into the most amazing, absorbing, escapist SM rapport, with him describing himself as ‘very dom’. So – yet another guy to call Master!  And I didn’t have him down as that sort of guy – as I say, he’s always been such a mild and friendly lover, and a gentleman. I said to him, so how come I’ve seen you several times and you’ve only just revealed this to me?  And he said something like – well, I thought you might be sub but I wasn’t sure. But it was such an amazing moment, I was blown away.  We lay on the bed, me face down and naked, and he was sort of beside me and behind me and on top of me.  He held me down and lay on my back and stroked my back and bum and spanked me – and held me tight, all the time kissing me and whispering in my ear, what he was really into and what I might have to do for him next time!  I felt really gripped by it again, the SM thing.  Really really enjoying having someone in that role, someone who understood and could play the game. It was such a long escapist moment and I felt so FREE – so much my true self, lying there naked with a guy taking me in hand and saying what a lucky day it was when he encountered me, and how much he was going to enjoy getting me fucked – maybe sharing me with another dom guy. Funny, cos it was a posh hotel with carpeting in the corridor with writing on it – literary quotes – and as I left his room eventually, I caught sight of these words right outside his door: ‘the vows of my slavery’. Coincidence! _______________________________________________________________

FEELING HIGH

I’m feeling so high at the moment.  I know it shouldn’t be that your state of well-being

depends on how much good sex you’re getting, but - well, in my case it just does.

I’m awash with sex and I feel great.  And it’s making me feel better about myself as

well.  Society, and being surrounded by other, more perfect, women all the time, can

make you feel so low.  But having several lovers who seem to want to have sex with

me on a repeated basis makes me look in the mirror and think - well I can’t be that

bad!

I currently have several adventures lined up and a couple of potential introductions -

including the real possibility of bringing together not just two (which I’ve done a few

times before) but three of my regular lovers!  They all seem keen (all bi) and of

course I’m in a bit of a swoon fantasising about it.

I have a group thing planned for next week which should be pretty outrageous, and

two different guys wanting to take me to a place I’ve been keen to go back to for

some time, so maybe it’ll really happen at last.

Also the guy I thought I’d lost is definitely BACK - not only have I seen (ie fucked)

him again but he’s back to writing me amazing long personally-tailored fantasies

again - amazing one yesterday that got me seriously over-excited at work!

Feeling good is also making me clearer about the writing element.  If I’m living this

life, I just have to write about it, so that someone somewhere - maybe just one

person somewhere in a hundred years time - knows what all this meant to me!

__________________________________________________________________

GIVING AND RECEIVING

I met a new dom guy yesterday.  Well, I didn’t even know he was dom - he’s

someone who knows a certain place I’ve been keen to go back to, and I wanted to

meet him to see if he could be the one to take me.

I was a bit disappointed that he wasn’t that tall and was relatively scruffy, but quite

intelligent and we did get on well.  There’s hope he could be a good contact and a

new master (but do I really need yet another dom guy in my life just now?!)

He said something about how he sees it that the dom-sub relationship is about the

dom giving and the sub receiving.  I questioned this a little and rather hope we’ll have

the opportunity to discuss the intellectual question further.

I’ll have to give it some thought.  Yes, the sub receives the dom’s sexual attention -

and his instructions and his punishment and his spunk.  But doesn’t she also give -

her obedience, her body, her trust?

It’s just that not so long ago I was in the sauna playing with another dom guy who

was encouraging me whilst I was fucking someone else - saying to me, “That’s it,

come on, give!  Give your pussy.  I like a woman who knows how to GIVE!”

So I’ll receive their attention and their fucking and their whipping - and give my pussy

and give pleasure and give my sexual soul!

Of course love doesn’t come into these things - no-one’s giving or receiving love in

these situations, not in my case, anyway, and I’m not sure that love would add

anything.  That’s why I’m a bit annoyed by romantisisations of SM.  I know something

about men who want to whip arse and I don’t think love and romance features very

much in their motivation!

The new dom guy kissed me lots before leaving.  First just relatively forcefully, then

with a hand on my neck (this in public, a busy bar!) and biting my upper lip hard as

he kissed.

Hmm, kissed a lot of dom guys but never been kissed quite like that before!  Swear I

can still feel that bite on my lip now!

____________________________________________________________________

A NIGHT OUT FUCKING

I wait in the usual pub for ‘the team’ to arrive - my three regular bi lovers who I’ve

been with together several times before.

I buy them their preferred drinks - white wine, lager, orange juice - and feel pretty silly

sitting on my own for ages with four drinks on the table in front of me, like I’ve got

imaginary friends.  A guy eyes me up and I laugh to myself to think he’ll shortly see

me greet and leave with not one, but three men!

They arrive at about the same time and I get nice smiles and kisses.  There’s a nice

surprise - one extra guy has been found, when I wasn’t expecting anyone else.  He

looks okay and we shake hands and chat.  I never object to extra men!

We go to the room and they are all just immediately at it!  Four stiff cocks and three

hard fucks (of each other, not of me!) in the first half hour.  A couple of them fuck me

and I’m disappointed the other two don’t .  Unfortunaltely it’s a rather short and sweet

session and three of them get dressed and leave pretty quickly - just as I’m getting

warmed up!  Shame they can’t spare me a little longer, especially as it was an early

start, but I’m still glad to have seen them and anything’s better than nothing.

They’ve been more interested in each other than me tonight, really, but that happens

with bi guys.  I did participate!

So I’m alone with P and he fucks me loads and I manage to come on his cock pretty

easily using my vibrator - love to come on a lovely big cock moving in me.

He gives me a bit of a whipping and a strapping and plays with my arsehole, probing

with a finger for ages.

Then his phone goes and he answers it, which momentarily annoys me until I realise

it’s a latecomer - someone he’s invited but had given up on, a black dom bi guy.  We

both get dressed and go downstairs to meet the new guy.  He’s tall and smart and

well spoken and we invite him upstairs without bothering with a drink in the bar.

The new guy is amazing.  After a couple of hours of utter escapism I don’t know

what’s hit me, I can’t get back to the real world.  He is at the opposite end of the

spectrum to the new guy earlier who hardly did anything and left early.  This one is all

hands-on - very tactile, very enthusiastic, very rough!

He crawls all over me, he chews on my neck and tits, he grabs my arse, he spanks

me lots everywhere.

P sucks his big cock and he comes early but that doesn’t slow him down.  He just

wants to do everything - so active, so demanding.  P encourages him in a masterful

way and whenever he spanks or bites or touches me hard and then says ‘sorry - is

that okay?’, P answers for me and says yes it’s fine, she loves it, she can take it

hard. 

Just like in a bit of writing I was doing recently on holiday - well yes, I do love it and I

can take it, but still, be careful, don’t go over the top!  (I say to P, with respect to the

other guy checking he’s not beeing too rough, ‘See, there’s one gentleman in this

room and you!’)

P joins in and there’s a crescendo of really rough stuff.  They’re both pushing me

round and holding me down and spanking me.  At one point the new guy is spanking

me pretty hard while P has a hand over my mouth so hard I can hardly breathe. 

Our tall black guy fucks us both.  P at first objects to the size of the cock but then

seems to accept it and enjoy it (whilst fucking me).  There’s a long, endless moment

when they’re both above me - the new guy reaches down to kiss me from where he’s

fucking P - and all kissing and very intimate together.

I love seeing the new guy’s long black arm lying across P’s shoulders, or reaching

round to hold P’s waist as they both lie next to each other on top of me.

Got more action and attention from that one guy than the earlier three put together!

Pretty amazing evening!  No wonder I’m shattered today!

___________________________________________________________________

SECRET MEMORY

Well, the certain place that I have a love-hate relationship with has delivered again. 

No group action but at least something - two lovely young attractive guys, one with

loads of tattoos, one very hairy - both polite, attentive, kissed nice, said nice things,

good fucks with big cocks (no ‘condom problems’ - ie put one on easily with no fuss

and it stays rock hard) - and the second guy licked me off!  Pretty unexpected, but he

was keen and he was good!

The secret memory?  With the second guy - after he’d licked me out then fucked my

wet pussy loads, he lay on his back and finished off wanking himself hard, coming

half over himself, half on my tits.  It was very hot and we were both very sweaty, and

I very spontaneously rubbed my face in the mixture of sweat and spunk (I’d call it

spunk-flavoured sweat) at his crotch - kissed and licked his skin over his pelvis bone.

Mm, love getting sweaty and slippery with naked men, loving having a secret

memory of having a sweaty, spunky face - happy after a good orgasm and a good

fuck, nuzzling his secret place whilst in my secret place!

___________________________________________________________________

SEX OBSESSED

Having a problem with the lifts at work - specifically when I’m approaching them and there’s a whole group of assorted men waiting to go in! I have to get my head together and be able to separate my personal and professional (such as it is) life.  But I’m just going through a phase of seeing everything sexually, and relating to people sexually. I’ve been so active with groups of men in the last couple of years; how am I supposed to stand in a lift with five or six men standing close around me, and be excruciatingly aware of them - of their non-availability in this context, and of how things might be different if we were in a different situation? Those same men might very well be presenting their cocks to me for sucking (and probably playing with each others’) and indulging in sexual banter together over my head.  But as it is, everyone stands round in their own private world, I don’t meet anyone’s eye and there’s no way they would ever guess what I might have been up to the last time I was surrounded by five or six men! I don’t know how men manage to relate to women in a work environment without sex getting in the way.  The way so many women dress for work in London these days - high heels and tight, short skirts.  You see smart, tarty women get introduced to men at business meetings or lunches and it must be that the men immediately size them up in terms of attractiveness and whether they’d like to ‘give them one’. And obviously most men will have (probably very recently) been watching explicit porn, so they know exactly what’s under those women’s skirts, and must speculate about what their pussies and arseholes look like, and how much action they’ve seen. How do the men hide it and control it?  (Well, I’ve had enough guys tell me about wanking in the toilets at work after a few sexy texts with me, so I imagine they may have to do that after a few business meetings with women too.) Or maybe it’s just me, seeing everything in terms of sex and attractiveness.  Maybe not everyone is as sex obsessed as I am at the moment. Will have to keep letting those elevators full of men go without me, though.  I can’t handle it!

GETTING MESSED ABOUT

Well, sometimes you have to let someone go.

He’s been my favourite lover - have seen him several times over a year; it’s gone

through a phase of lunchtime meetings for a snog and a fondle; sometimes he was

so keen he was sending me about six sexy emails every day.

But even when (or particularly because) it’s a casual, occasional, no-commitment

thing, people lose interest and get less enthusiastic.

Now he’s become unreliable.  Makes an arrangement, has me looking forward to

seeing him for two weeks, then cancels the day before without even an apology, just

‘I’m too busy at work so it’s not going to happen’.

It’s time to let him go, cos he’s causing me more upset and disappointment than

enjoyment.  It was his intense interest in me that made it so nice and exciting.  If

that’s gone, what’s the point?

He’s messing me about so I need to find some strength and disentangle myself.

I guess I’ll see him again if he wants me, but he’s demoted himself in my affections.

Shame.

ANTICIPATION Well, I am in a complete swoon about something I have arranged.  I don’t know how I’m going to get through the next week, I just cannot stop thinking about it. Well, you see I’ve sort of got two regular lovers.  One I’ve been seeing for a year and a half for one to ones, the other is this guy I met a year or so ago who has been my ‘master’ and has been organising group events for me. Next Monday (hopefully) I will have them both in the same room with me! I must admit I first started fantasising about the possibility several months ago.  But I didn’t think it would ever happen.  T is more straight and whilst I’ve suggested threesomes to him (I always do), he has said he’d rather have me to himself.  P I’ve seen several other guys with of course, so no problem there – but then I haven’t told him about T who is more of a regular.  And P is very bi, so I didn’t think T would be a good match.  Also, since I have a good thing going with both of them separately, why take the risk and play with fire by bringing them together?  I didn’t want it to go wrong for any reason and find I’ve lost them both (still my greatest concern!) But then, having mentioned P and the group thing to T a while ago in passing and not had much of a response – T is suddenly expressing an interest.  ‘You know that bi guy you said you were seeing...’  He was even prompting me for a response, and basically suggesting it quite strongly.  So in the end it’s him that’s pushed for me to arrange it, not me!  Didn’t dare ask P really, was sure he’d say no, but he said yes really easily.  ‘Sounds good to me.  Look forward to sucking his cock with you.’  So it’s on and I am sick with excitement and worry about how it will go.  But mainly I can’t stop the sexual fantasies.  As long as I get them both up to the room with me, something will happen I’m sure.  But in my head I’m playing out over and over again how it might be, what exactly we’ll do and what they’ll say. Of course I want it to be a good threesome, with all the usual action and hopefully some bi action as well.  And they both know me, so it should be so good – I can imagine them teasing me, and holding me down together, they will both know what I like!  My fantasies keep getting heavier – I find I want them to be dom, very dom.  I feel like I want them to really let themselves go, really enjoy themselves.  (So that they come back for more, of course – though I hardly dare think that far ahead.  Once would be good enough.) And the thought of their two big cocks is preoccupying me – rubbing them on my face together, mmm. Of course I’ve introduced guys to each other before successfully (it’s always a thrill), and I’ve had regular threesomes with two guys I know.  But suddenly, somehow, this feels like the most significant sexual thing I’ve ever done!  So very broadminded and decadent to be introducing your two lovers, like something out of a French film. I don’t normally dwell on what people are doing in their real lives, but this weekend I’ve been thinking – wherever they are now, whoever they’re with, they both know they’ve just made this arrangement with me, and they will be thinking about it secretly, and wondering about each other. I don’t know whether, during the coming week, I’ll be deluged with questions.  I rather hope they just go for it and turn up on the day – I don’t want anything to get in the way of it happening! As for me I’m in an utter swoon.  For this one week at least, I know that I will definitely be seeing both of them again – and, even better than seeing them individually, seeing them properly TOGETHER!! (Update: Well, it happened but sadly only once, cos T wan’t that keen on P.) THREE INTO ONE WILL GO (AT SOME POINT) Can’t really believe it when things go well and you suddenly find yourself in a good sexual place again. Last night I was with my new ‘Master’ and two of the bi guys in his little regular group.  It’s probably the third or fourth time we’ve all four of us been together, sometimes with others as well, but suddenly it seemed like us four were the little core of the group, and things really gelled between us. I met them in a pub.  Two of them turned up together, in nice shirts cos it was a lovely sunny day – God, it’s so wonderful getting a welcoming kiss from two guys, then sitting down and being flagrant with them in public!  Then my Master turned up, looking on indulgently as I snogged someone else. This number three guy – I’ll call him Phil – is another one that’s only really come to my attention after I’ve seen him a few times.  He’s very quiet and submissive to the others, but last night he was more talkative with me.  Asked for my phone number, said nice things about how he’s enjoyed seeing me and how he feels more comfortable and confident now he’s seen me a few times.  (He says there’s something “raw” about me / my sexuality – whatever that means.) So me and Phil went to the room first and he was rampant, really stiff and keen and got it up me straight away.  So I’m on by back with him slamming away and my legs held up in the air, when the other two walk in, using their own room key.  Now I must admit that was a really special moment, the sense of ease and acceptance, the extended intimacy of two men strolling in on the act, casually throwing down their things, stripping off their clothes and joining us on the bed, pushing their cocks into our mouths.  Within about two minutes Phil was being fucked whilst he fucked me – wow, he really enjoyed that, made some very intense noises!  Later the same thing happened with my Master – him being fucked whilst he fucked me, taking his turn at being the sandwich filling.  (Yes – he might be very dom, but he’s also very bi and a definite bi slut Master!) It was just such a comfortable situation to be in, such a nice, friendly scene.  They’re all chatty and relaxed with each other, and play with each other in a sort of offhand way.  You suddenly realise one of them is rubbing the other’s neck as they stand by the bed, or find that your vibrator is being used up someone’s bum in the middle of some friendly banter.  I had a great feeling of appreciation of familiarity – it suddenly felt like a little sexual family, we weren’t strangers to each other, we actually knew each other a bit, knew each other’s characters and real self, and so the sex felt so relaxed and comfortable. I got some serious whipping and spanking, and a paddle got produced.  We took some photos and my bum looks really red!  My Master and Phil both whipped me together – one with a rubber whip, one with a leather whip (much more painful).  Amazing scene really, and difficult to take, but then I do ask for it – literally! Then when I was on my own with my Master, we tried out my new corset, which was a great success.  I have always wanted to do that – years ago I used to get so aroused just at the thought of getting put into a corset by a dom guy, and it being pulled tighter and tighter by him.  He did it just like in my old fantasies – putting a foot up against my arse, really yanking it tight.  I loved the way it worked so well, and it turned out I’d bought just the right size.  I loved the way it felt, just immediately goes to my pussy, when it’s pulled tight around me. He fucked me and whipped me in it, I didn’t want to take it off.  Definite new sex toy! I’ve also succumbed to his insistence on playing with my arsehole.  There is just so much pressure these days about anal – everyone is asking and pressing for it all the time (they’ve all watched too much anal porn – it used to be much less mainstream but now everyone sees it all the time and expects it).  That’s always been a difficult area for me, but I guess it’s true, as a guy said to me recently, that a true slut needs to give her arse as well, so maybe my Master can be the one to help me out and open it up slowly. So I couldn’t help saying, when it was me and my three regulars, in the most comfortable group situation I’ve probably ever had, that at some point, they would have to achieve that with me.  Maybe, at some point, I’ll achieve with them my first ever proper ‘three into one’. HEAD IN THE CLOUDS Hmm.  For the first time in a long time I find myself under the influence of a seriously dom guy. I fucked him three times before I really noticed him.  He didn’t appeal all that much, and he was putting me off by being too crude and pushy.  Now suddenly I realise he is INTERESTED.  Only in a sexual way of course, but nevertheless in a way that has suddenly swept me off my feet and stuck my head in the clouds! He texts me all the time – pushy dom texts that border on the annoying (‘have you wanked this morning as your master instructed?’) but which I miss when they dry up. It can be so powerful, this mental engagement.  More so than any fuck.  Feeling you’re relating to someone sexually, getting involved in something new.  It reminds me there’s a whole chunk of my head that’s usually unoccupied in this way.  Suddenly, it’s engaged again, and I can’t help enjoying it. Of course with SM it’s so borderline.  I’ve played for over 20 years with dom guys, I understand the game.  But with this guy, it’s difficult to tell if he’s crossing the line.  Of course I don’t really think he’d go too far, I suppose I trust him really.  But then you get a rather severe text and you can’t tell if it’s playful banter (probably – hopefully), or if he’s someone who’s maybe a bit nasty and who maybe I’m letting too quickly into my soul! For the first time ever I’m thinking, is this guy ‘grooming’ me – in the way they say that people do inappropriately with younger people?   But if I’m aware it’s happening, I’m a willing participant.  Of course I can just drop out / not reply at any time.  But there’s no way I’m going to, because (for all his faults) he’s someone who is at last promising to get me what I want.  What I haven’t had enough of over the last few years and what I feared I might never get again.  I refer of course, to group sex (of the me and lots of men variety).  He is my new procurer. Suddenly he’s intriguing me.  He’s very thin and has what I’ve called a ‘languid bisexuality’.  I can’t believe anyone who knows him doesn’t realise he gets fucked up the arse all the time.  It’s written all over him, as far as I’m concerned. I’ve got this image in my head of him drinking a double espresso (he took me for a meal recently – told me he wanted to make all my fantasies come true).  I also have an image of him fucking a guy who’s lying across me, of looking up and seeing him push two guys’ heads together just above me so I can watch them kiss. All I can think about at the moment is the next group event and being in a clump of men again - with my master!  Mmm, head in the clouds! BEING POSITIVE I find myself somewhat bothered by the comments of a couple of guys I was with the other night. I have to admit, it was an absolutely brilliant bi threesome, the sort I’m always looking for and haven’t been able to find often enough, in recent years. They knew each other – had been together once before – and were clearly quite into each other, physically at least.  As soon as we got going they were snogging each other like anything, very hands on, very affectionate with each other. It was a wonderful long session – they both fucked me lots, I got licked off twice, and one of them fucked the other (must admit I’ve never seen a guy get fucked so hard!).  It was hot in the room and the first time for ages I’ve had a ‘sweaty’ threesome, the guys exerting themselves so much there’s sweat pouring down their backs! Particular nice moments included: one fucking the other from the front, with me sitting on the face of the one getting it, whilst snogging the one doing the fucking; one spunking on the other’s chest, whilst leaning forward to suck and nuzzle my tits; lots of three-way kissing and sucking cock together, and generally all the sort of action I love, pretty much non-stop! Also lovely tender moments between them – at the end, one of them wrapped his arms round the other from the back and rubbed his stubbly chin up and down on the back of the guy’s neck, which he really loved, sighing and leaning into it.  Very nice! But unfortunately, although it was such a special threesome and I got so excited, it’s made me feel awkward because of some of their comments.  It’s like years ago when a guy refused to see me because – although he liked bigger women, I didn’t have a sufficiently abandoned and positive attitude towards my weight.  These two guys were sort of telling me off for being too negative – because I’d said things when I met them along the lines of that perhaps I wasn’t what they were looking for, and at one point I said, “I didn’t think you’d want me”. I couldn’t help being very pleased and excited to be with them, but it seems they thought my enthusiasm was excessive.  At one point when I said something like, “you two are so great, I just can’t believe it”, one of them said, “yes, that’s the problem”. I take on board that I probably shouldn’t start off by saying negative things about myself, and that people don’t want to be with people who aren’t positive and put themselves down.  But the more I think about it, the more I’d like to have said to them – look, you maybe only have positive experiences, but you don’t know my recent history and what bad experiences I’ve had!  Over the last few years I’ve had several rejections and over my sex life in general, lots of situations where men have been unkind or treated me badly.  So it’s legitimate for me to think that two fantastic looking guys like them might get up and walk away and say “no thanks”.  And what’s wrong with saying that I was pleased to be with them and that it was special to me? It’s all very well them telling me to feel positive and good about myself, which was probably meant kindly, but I had to bite my tongue and stop myself from saying, “in that case I’ll be positive and hope that I might get to see you both again”.  Of course I haven’t heard from either of them and it had ‘once-off’ written all over it – I didn’t even dare mention the possibility of it, you could tell they were the very experienced type where twice with the same woman would be very unlikely. How can I be positive, when it’s so difficult to find what you want most, and when you do get it, it’s often so fleeting? FEELING LEFT OUT Had a rather strange conversation with a bi guy yesterday who’s never had a threesome.  He made the comment that ‘what you hear a lot’ is that threesomes don’t work because someone will feel left out!  (Sounds like something from a women’s magazine.) We both agreed this was rubbish.  I found myself surprised by the sentiment and after a moment’s thought commented that those people who have had threesomes will know that it’s rubbish – only those people who have never had one could think that! Especially in a bi threesome, but even in a straight one, the whole point is that it’s a three way interaction.  One way or other you’re getting something from two people and you’re participating in (and hopefully enjoying) the overall scenario.  All I can say is that I’ve never felt ‘left out’ in a threesome, but then I only do the MMF type.  Still, I’m 100% sure neither of the men with me has felt left out either – I would always attend to and want to please both of them.  Being left out just doesn’t happen, not with me anyway – the possibility of it has never even crossed my mind!  I like to give my sexual attention equally, that’s the whole point, the whole joy of it!  (If I’m wrong and someone did feel left out, I’m so sorry!  Come back and I’ll make up for it with a nice one to one!) Anyway, isn’t being left out rather down to you?  If you’re in a threesome and the other two people are doing something that looks fun – just join in, for heaven’s sake.  There’s always something you can kiss or stroke, always a spare bit of body to grab! I suspect the ‘being left out’ idea comes from a more emotional standpoint – maybe if there’s love and jealousy involved, someone might start feeling neglected or annoyed that the other person is getting more attention.  It’s unlikely though.  If all parties have agreed to a threesome, they’ve agreed to share, and are likely to make an effort to ensure everyone’s happy. If I ever have a threesome with the guy who asked this question, I’ll make sure I ask him afterwards if he felt left out!  I’m pretty sure the answer will be ‘no’! Another thing he said was that some people think that porn where a woman is playing with more than one cock is demeaning (I wonder if it was his girlfriend who made this comment?) Again this is such an alien concept to me – I’ve genuinely never felt demeaned by an excess of cock or male attention and, seriously, I don’t think men see it that way either.  I love the ratio thing – one woman to lots of guys – and since I’m an SM person I don’t mind a bit of submissiveness on the part of the woman either, but maybe that’s just me.  I guess it’s in the motivation of the men – if they feel like they’re demeaning her, she’s demeaned.  But that would be a completely different scenario – an unpleasant one.  If it’s mutual and consensual (even if it’s a porn actress getting paid) I don’t think it’s demeaning. I hope I get a chance to prove that to this guy too! A TUBE OF KY JELLY I went to certain place with a certain guy yesterday.  He had chatted me up and I suppose I responded to his pushiness by agreeing to see him again.  When we met up again I thought, oh no, he’s not exactly attractive, but, to be cruel, he’s one of those guys who improves from the neck down.  Cute, fit little body, lovely bum and legs, and an excellent cock.  I must admit I had been thinking about his cock, thinking about kissing him in that secret place at the top of the thigh, the private place that pants usually cover up.  Such a straightforward, useful cock – stiff and raring to go all the time.  Basically, I kept saying yes to more fucking (because my poor pussy has been so sorely neglected recently and I cannot say no to any action), so he fucked me for three long sessions, and it was very comfortable and squelchy and nice, and I have to say I have no regrets.  He’s a guy who struck me as all cock and mouth, pushy and horny – I guess that type has his uses when you’re in need of attention.  Unfortunately he’s not a good lover – tried to lick me a bit but not really much good, and just doesn’t do anything with his hands or try to give you any sort of caress or attention.  He’s one of those guys who is reaching for a condom about thirty seconds after you’re alone together, which is always bad news.  Means no foreplay, no oral, no finesse – all he knows how to do is fuck.  So rather annoyingly I had to spend a few minutes alone sorting myself out, cos I really wanted to come so I would be looser and wetter for all the fucking.  It wasn’t easy but managed it in the end (I hate having to come with my fingers, I’m not used to it these days) and the only thing to hand to put up my pussy (the cock having left the room temporarily) was a small tube of lubricant, so in desperation I used that.  After I came I found myself laughing (well, about 80% laughing, 20% crying, I would say).  There I am in a place like that and I end up having sex with a tube of KY Jelly! It just makes me think yet again how you get certain things from certain people.  That guy was great for rampant cock and straightforward fucking.  The guy I met last time was older and unattractive but unexpectedly gentle with a gorgeous touch, and saying and doing lovely things, like kissing my eyes, and burying his head immediately in my pussy, and actually uttering the words, “What’s a nice lady like you doing in a place like this?” (“You may well ask”, I replied.)  And prior to that I found myself with two good looking guys who just did nothing – just stood around expecting to be sucked, no kissing, no licking, didn’t want to fuck, actually one of them only wanted a hand job.  I don’t like that sort of hands-off voyeur – what’s in it for me?  I want to feel something, not just be something people stand back and watch for their amusement. It’s so sad feeling you only get what you want in bits from different people.  Ideally you want it all rolled into one, but then you don’t know what’s on offer till you try.  So I guess I’ll have to keep trying!  HELLO WORLD! I’ve finally succumbed and joined the throng of bloggers!  It’s vaguely embarrassing to know that you’re just one of hundreds of thousands of people pouring their hearts out online, but there you go – I guess it just means I have the same impulses as everyone else. Well I guess I’m a bit different cos I’ve poured my soul and my secrets into a book instead.  I just started writing about stuff – my sexual history – and it turned into a 130,000 word book!  I think I’m a bit behind the times, to be honest – I didn’t really become aware of the blog thing until recently, but I’ll give it a go now.  I say at the end of the book that it includes ‘everything I always wanted to say about sex’, but as long as stuff keeps happening and my impulses are the same, I reckon I’ll be able to find a bit more to write about! Anyway, after various delays, I’ve decided to go ahead on this book.  Let’s see if anyone wants to read about one woman’s experiences of sex in the modern world.  I don’t think it’s a titillating book – I’m quite a serious person – but it is quite explicit.  I think sometimes I don’t realise how outrageous I can sound.  I’m used to thinking in very frank terms, so it doesn’t seem particularly shocking to me.  I guess what other people will think of it will depend on their own experience of sex – they can compare their own experience to mine. I have to say I’m not sure about the subtitle I’m thinking of, ‘One Woman’s Search For Erotic Fulfilment’.  I don’t know that I’ve really been searching for anything – just existing and trying things as I’ve gone along!    I think it needs a subtitle to explain the content, but as the book was originally called ‘Sex & Me’ I had always intended the subtitle to be ‘A Sexual Autobiography’.  Trouble is, you can’t have ‘A Passion For Sex’ – ‘A Sexual Autobiography’.  Too many ‘A’s!  Here are the subtitle contenders, from the serious to the frivolous.  It’s time to decide! ‘A Sexual Autobiography’ ‘One Woman’s Search for Erotic Fulfilment’ ‘The Secret Adventures and Sexual Philosophy of a Modern Woman’ ‘One Woman’s Experience of Sex in the Modern World’ ‘A Catalogue of Contemporary Cocksurfing’ ‘Never Enough’ ‘Everything I’ve Always Wanted To Say About Sex’ ‘My Sexual Soul Laid Bare’ ‘The Story of my Secret Sexual Adventures’ ‘The True Story of My Sexual Adventures’ ‘The True Story of Sex & Me’